/Pepsi to Sell Cocaine Filled Soda
Pepsi to Sell Cocaine Filled Soda

Pepsi to Sell Cocaine Filled Soda

There is nothing quite like the quick boost of caffeine to keep you working at peak performance. Start the day with a cop of joe, and maybe drink a soda or two throughout the day.

The sad reality is caffeine is an expensive addiction to feed, and nobody knows this better than PepsiCo Bottling Manager, Andrea Bryant. Bryant attempted to tell us about her struggle to afford her own caffeine needs:

“My money problems started after I was caught sneaking two cases of Mountain Dew home for the weekend. I can’t affor…”

Unfortunately we could not get a full quote from her, as she started chugging a two liter to drown the sadness.

In an attempt to make their sodas more accessible to those in lower income areas, PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi announced today that the soft drink giant will start incorporating cocaine into their drinks in the second quarter of 2018. Nooyi explained that Pepsi researchers recently discovered a new method of synthesizing the drug for a fraction of the price of caffeine. When asked about the legal issues commonly associated with cocaine she simply responded, “We were concerned at first, but local law makers quickly changed their minds after their first drink. We are convinced we will see the same reaction on the global scale.”

Be sure to check back with us for updates as PepsiCo releases more information on their new line of drinks.